Fri., May 30, 2014 1:42pm (EDT)

Zombies, Implants and Road Rage Make It Into Georgia’s Yearbook
By Haris Nezirovic
media link
Updated: 2 months ago

ATLANTA  —  
Georgia is 5th least likely state to survive zombie apocalypse (Photo Credit: Flickr)
Georgia is 5th least likely state to survive zombie apocalypse (Photo Credit: Flickr)
What do zombie apocalypse, road rage and butt implants have in common? They are all related to Georgia. Since the school year is coming to an end and yearbooks are being made, GPB’s “On The Story” wondered what a yearbook for our state would look like. You know, things “most likely to” for Georgia. So we compiled the list, as unflattering as it may be.


1. Georgia is 5th least likely state to survive zombie apocalypse.

Yeah, I hear you! How do you even know who would survive that kind of calamity? Zombies are, after all, fictional creatures.

The website Estately came up with a goofy list of 11 key factors that determine what states would hypothetically survive a zombie feeding frenzy, including the state’s number of active military personnel, number of people who know how to use guns, average physical fitness, and obesity rates.

When the website applied those factors to each state, Georgia came close to the bottom. On the upside, we still beat New Jersey, Mississippi, New York state and Washington, D.C.

A piece of advice here: if you see zombies, run to Alaska! That is the top-rated state to survive the apocalypse.

Comedian Rob Cleveland had an explanation for that.

“Even zombies would get there and find out a) there is nothing to eat and b) they would think ‘I may be dead, but I’m still cold,’” he said during his appearance on GPB’s

But fellow Atlanta comedian Leanna Adams thinks Georgia is as ready as it gets for zombies.

2. Georgia is the most likely state to google “butt implants” and “cooking crack”.

What does that say about us? Never mind, we don’t really want to know.

The same website, Estately, hand hundreds of search queries to find out what people google-search the most in each state. Besides the implants and crack-making, other top searches in Georgia include “spanx”, “divorce”, “athlete’s foot”, “weaves” and “tofu”.

“Given how much construction we have in the state, it’s no surprise we need a little nip and a little tuck,” said comedian Jamie Bendall, who also appeared on “On The Story”.

But Georgians are not the only butt of jokes here (no pun intended).

Texans want Google to tell them whether dinosaurs, zombies and Chupacabra are real, and how to sell one’s soul to the devil.

Our neighbors in Alabama, among other things, google “God”, “Jesus”, “impeach Obama” and “Obama is the Antichrist”.

Floridians search for the definition of sarcasm, alligator wrestling, botox, Viagra and eyebrow piercing.

3. Georgia is the second most likely state to get speeding ticket.

That’s according to a 2012 study by the National Motorists Association. The study checked how many google searches related to speeding tickets were done in each state. The conclusion is that Georgians like to put the pedal to the metal, second only to Nevadans.

“It’s not our fault,” laughed Rob Cleveland. “We operate on southern time. When we have to be somewhere by 8:00, we don’t leave the house before 8:15. We implement the theory that if we drive fast enough, we can go through time barrier and get there 15 minutes before we left.”

Another bitter pill to swallow: according to the association, the drivers in Atlanta and Los Angeles pay the most traffic-related fines. Ouch!

4. Atlanta is the second most likely city to see road rage.

Calling the city HOT-lanta is apparently a reference to more than its weather. Atlantans may be friendly pedestrians, but they are hot-tempered drivers.

The AutoVantage emergency roadside assistance company looked into the behavior and attitudes related to road rage reports in America’s major cities. The title of the nation’s road rage capital went to Houston.

“Have you ever driven in Houston,” joked Cleveland. “They take road rage to a religion. They’ll kick your butt implants while they cook crack in their back seats.”

On a related note, Atlanta drivers are the most likely to admit that they purposely bumped another vehicle in reaction to perceived poor driving.

Way to put the city on the map!

5. Atlanta is the third most likely city to make you laugh.

A study by the University of Colorado-Boulder figured out how to measure what makes a city “funny”. It compiled information about the number of comedy clubs per square mile, number of visits to comedy-related websites, how traveling comedians ranked comedy club audiences in each city etc.

The study concluded that Atlanta’s high ranking is related to its diversity. The University of Colorado said that Atlanta’s humor is often racially-oriented and “perhaps a bit crass”. Redneck jokes add to the flavor.

On the other side of the spectrum are Miami, Jacksonville and Fort Worth. They are, according to this study, the least funny cities in the nation.

6. Atlanta is 8th most likely city to get hit by a car.

What, someone is still walking in this town?

Either way, the National Complete Streets Coalition did a study this year about pedestrian danger in major metropolitan areas. It came up with Pedestrian Danger Index, a scientific term for saying how likely you are to be run over when you step out of your house.

The Orlando – Kissimmee area was rated the most dangerous, followed by Tampa – St. Petersburg and Jacksonville, Fla.

Comedian Leanna Adams was not surprised that Atlanta ended up that high on the list.

“That’s because we are number two in ‘drink and dash,’” she joked.